A rough path

I didn't write anything a few days...because of my eyes...they hurting me, they dry,with red bursted blood vessels of retina, i can't look into my laptop...almost immidiately i start feeling pain...
I'm still keeping on my diet and burning my cal through pain in a muscles and the pouring rain. Weight in i thursday.I'm scared.
Tomorrow i have to leave my granny and grandpa and head to Moscow to my mom. And i'm so fucking sad right now, i can't even talk, i'm in an awfull mood, i didn't want to leave them alone...i feel like i'm a traitor..coz they don't have anyone else except me, and i'm leaving them..oh God...then i think about it...i already crying...i lost my dad 8 months ago..it felt like knife in my heart..and now their staying alone...and I have to move into Canada..and i wont see them in a long time..and i'm wondering if i ever gona see them again?? Granny already, as she said, ready to go in heaven to my dad (her son)...This whole situation is ripping me in pieces. They don't deserve a granddoughter like me. They are really good people, they were always kind to me, love me, raise me, gave me everything..I'm fucking horrible.

12:00pm eggs (256)
3:10pm borsch with beef and sour cream (429)
4:30pm cottage cheese pancakes (392)
8:05pm cucumber (14), tomato (32)
9:05pm chicken thigh (190), rice (233)
Total Intake 1546
Total Burned 550
I woke up hungry, i was hungry all day long, if i'm not loosing weight then what the hell it means? I'm so curious about my weight..can't wait to see a number..and it's drive me crazy coz i don't now if i losing any lb. 08.16.12 the day of truth))
Miss my hubby, my M..love him so much!!I want to kiss him and hug him, but i shoul wait till 08.18 comes.uuhhhh
I love my granny, but she has a nasty character, she's picked on me all day long, said that i can't beacame a pharmacist, that i'll probably always gona be like a servant, i said it's not easy to move to different country when you're almost 25, from Moscow,Russia to Toronto, Canada and start a new great life right away, said that thirst i'm going to study for a hair stylist, she said that it's anyway servant, i said only then i can mybe get into university for farmacy, after a couple of years, when i'm gona raise my english level up, coz i need to know not only english, but chemistry, biology, math..she said, why? do you now english so bad? Fuck!! And then it turned out that she thinks pharmacy is really bad choise anyway and i shouldn't do it. By her opinion i must be economist or something, sit in quiet office and bla bla bla..I want to be around medical field to help people. I feel it, it's mine, it's interesting. I already quit my economy bachelor, i had 3 years from 4, and i quit, and i didn't regret even for a second!! Never! Honestly!!! All my family said it's such a pity, you have left only one year and then you have a diploma. But i don't fuckin need it, i don't want it. I'm like a cork in economy, i really don't understand it, all i heard when i was in classes and teachers was telling something, was bla bla bla.
And I'm sleepy right now...

10:50am eggs (234cal)

2:00pm borsch with beef and sour cream (412)

5:10pm apricots (52), peaches (114), an orange (67)

7:20pm boiled popato (220), cucumber (11), tomatoe (28)

10:00 pm fish (288), 3 fruit drops (51)

Total Intake 1484

Burned 550

My feet are really hurting me when i'm walking, almost right away when i'm starting and after, when i have already finished. Fucken sneakers. But i don't have another option. I have to endure and keep pushing my self despite all this sore.

Mom said that Muffin didn't eat or drink anything, he lost his weight. he's missing us so much..and we also miss him a fucking lot.

My granny freaked me out when she told me today that i probably shold give most common in different culturals names for my future kids, like Kate, Anna or Alexander, so whenever you live everybody will understands them. No, no and again no. My doughter name will be Mika'ella, for sons Benjamin, Eric, Levy..

Today i've done my walk right after a lunch. My body is feeling amazing after this  now. Only my feet are sore becouse of uncomfortable sneakers.

12:00pm kefir with 3 tea.s. wheat bran (140cal) and piece of ham (120)

3:00pm beef borsch with sour cream (250cal)

4:15pm macaroni (250cal)
7:20pm 2 peaches (140cal)
9:20pm young boiled poptato (238.5cal), soy souce (6.4cal), sour cream(72cal), cucumber (11.7cal), beef cutlets (257,4)
Total income 1486
Burned 550
And i think a might be having a problem here. I drink a lot of water. Like a lot! around 3.5-4 litres per day. It's equal 0.92 - 1.06 gallon. I can't live without water. It comes naturally. Maybe coz i'm a scorpio and it's a water sighn lol.
And now everybody around me, all members of my family, they don't drink like that, they barely drink at all, and the most wonderfull thing, they think it's something wrong with me, like maybe i have some sort of a disease. Which i don't think is true, though. I don't feel any pain or suffer, i'm just fine. And if i dont drink a feel like i'm drying out.I dont know..my parents..they drive me crazy with all that drinking stuff!!!

So i went on a walk wich continued again 1h15m with length 7km. It's should be about 550cal burned. I did it on the empy stomack, skipped my breakfast and had lunch later in an hour and a half from the time it suppoused to be.
So far by now i have
 1:30pm one small banana (100cal)
 2:30pm a soup (400cal). The soup isn't really light, it contained from white rice, potato, beef, tomato, carrot and pickled cucumbers. Granny made it. She always cooks the most delicious soups in the world.
6:00pm two nectarines(90cal), one peach(70cal), 5-6 apricots(60cal)
9:00pm macaroni(230cal), 2 small cutlets(250cal), cucumber (20cal)
Total intake 1220cal
Total Burned 550cal
Eventually, i satisfied with my self. I'm not nervous anymore. I was walking all in sweat and imagening my self how i'm gonna be looking when i'm gonna be thin.

I woke up in the morning all nervous and depressed. And i don't know even why! I always know why i'm not in a good mood. And now i don't. I have no idea.
Yesterday 3 hours before bedtime i ate 2 additional cinnamon baked buns immediatelly after my dinner fish and two peaches. Fuck! Why???I didn't even want to eat anymore. May be that's why i'm angry at my self!! I have to go for a walk now. And I'm fighting with my self coz I'm afraid to go walking coz i probably gona eat more again coz i waste some calories before..my body is like an animal. I have to keep it strictly. Otherwise I'm going to be fat forever which i really don't want to happen.

Today i finaly get my ass off a couch and go for walk. 1h20m and 7,2km(4.5mi)
I was all sweaty by the time i finished it, and my face was all red like tomato.
But I'm glad i did, nice weather outside, and i was listening a music while was walking and it feels now really great. I definetly shoul do this every day.
And today i find a super great song of Miley Surys, though it's probably released in october 2010. The name of the song is "who owns my heart".
She is sooo gorgeous and sexy!!! I'm gona hit the pilates for sure when i'll lose some excess weight first.
P.S.: I haven't been smoking since last tuesday. I have an intention to quit that bad habit.

I've finished this book just now..I've been reading the whole day long. My second book in english. I did like it, even if i had watched the movie before, and not even once. I was almost about to cry a couple times while reading through.

Finally!! A water falls down from the heaven...i mean the rain has stareted a couple minutes ago. I have been waiting for this a few weeks or so. And there is a thunder too. It's so beutifull outside right now. And i'm reading a perfect book meanwhile.

i was in a cemetery yeasterday with granny and grandpa..visiting my dad. We pulled out some weed from the grave and made it look more neat and clean. Why am i not seeing any ghosts? I miss him so fucking much, i can't even tell how strong this hurting feeling is.

Fuck! I've just read my first book in Engligh!! I'm so happy right now!!The first thing i finally finished. I always want to do something, and many things, i must to say, but never finish anything. So, i'm glad i did. This's a big acomplishment for me coz i'm lazy and the english is my second language and i don't even know the grammar comletely. Ofcourse, the book isn't so sothisticated, it's not in classic summer list programm, and i use a dictionary...but i'm thrilled that i made my first step.

I don't know what to write about actually...but i feel like i want to. I'm already at gran's for a couple days now. Internet is really slow. I did what i have to do about documents for selling room in my second day here.  I don't have any friend here. My cousin-sister went to Brazil yesterday..So pretty much here i am: me and my laptop.
I have been reading pregrand and having kids blogs sinse this morning and i have understood that i want to have a lot of kids...3 or 4...i want to have animals...i already have a cat, his name is Muffin and hi's adorable, but i want to have also a dog...lab actually...maybe someone else...a parrot? want to have a house..big house for all members of our big (in the future) family, but my M. don't want to have a house, he prefer more to have a penthause..anyway...i want to cook...i mean to can cook some good appearing stuff..like in a magazines. All that i can cook is looking plain, homely, negligent..not much to look at.
There really is that type of super mommy's that can do almost anything! They raise a babys, love and take care of their husbands, cook delightfull yammy things, knit, sew or have a beautiful garden...
I want to be like that to..
But thirst i have to loose all of my excess weight of mine.
Today was a good day concerning my eating. I ate only when i was really hungry and not so much of a food. I can say today was my thirst day. I hope so. I'm planning to keep up that system to go on for the next 15 days..and then i'll get home and i'll stand on my scales.. i'm wondering if i'm gona see a positive result..i mean minus on my dial?! I tired to cout calories...i tired to suffer..i want just to loose damn weight.

 

In addition i saw a big fat spider today and i didn't faint or pass out..as a matter of fact i took a bunch of a toilet paper in my hands and even try to play with him with it. And i didn't kill him. Even if i scared to death always i totaly agaist killing them.