I'm so cynical about New Year, Christmas and religion as a whole..I'm indignant about everyones wishes towards me.
Not that it matters to anyone.
It shouldn't be intimidating for someone who has a untameable curly hair to actually keep them. My friend just killed her curls recently with some procedure i don't remember the name of. Now she has a straight hair. But she was so much prettier with her natural curls. But all women always want to change their look and they run far away from what nature had given them. And its totally wrong!!!

I hope today will be the day considered as a new beginning of my new life and appearance.
And now im going to read Janet Evanovich "wicked appetite"

Oh my god. Everything is so boring!! I don't even know what to do! All my muscles are in pain after i washed all floors in my apartment on my knees with a rag in my hands coz my mop broke 2 weeks ago. I can barely walk or get up from the bed. Nothing new on the internet. Everybody are so happy about New Year, so they are like poppies. Im like Grinch. And i hate this holidays coz i usually became so lazy and simply do nothing only getting fat!

I don't like New Years celebration. However one thing i do through the christmas-new year holidays i watch Harry Potter. I watched it year or two ago... All parts at once. And now its associating with that holidays to me. It getting me to the specific mood..magic one)) so charming!

The best moments in life are when u watch "Beethoven" with ur husband and he takes u by the hand with tenderness.

James Bond

Skyfall is so boring. I stopped watch it in the middle.
But the song is great) i listen it very often..

Oh, weight..

Today i was 87.3kg!!! Fuck! I can't believe it!! Exactly year ago i was at the same weight!! I have done nothing!! Nothing at all!! Even a month ago i was 83 or 83.5. How could i lose all that!! Im so so fat right now. And it irritates me to the depth of my soul!!!
1st of january no matter what im starting the new life!!! No more binging!! No more weight growth!!

Ghost

My cat has saw a ghost today.. Probably.. Hopefully?..
It was weird. I even made 2 video..how cat was reacting and was looking into nowhere..and then he even started fighting with something invisible at the same time standing on his back paws.
And before that happen the light in my chandelier starts winking like crazy!!!
And at the very beginning i was the only one from 3 people in the room sitting in front of the heating who suddenly felt cold and freezing and had goose pimples all over my arms.

When will it be over?

Why am i so stupid? Why can't i resist to a food?? I counted calories and played dance revolution (to burn my calories) yesterday and today. And in the evening i couldn't say no to cooked by me mushed potato with meatballs. Also my M. brought home a giant chocolate and 3 two litters bottles of diet pepsi, i assuming to please me. And dame it, i choose to eat all that, and a lot i should admit. I'd decided to make a little party of my own while eating all that delicious stuff and watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of secrets. And now i've got a stomach ache thanks to my cleverness!! Will i ever be able to control myself?? Should i just give up till new year comes and then start? I mean i will be cooking for New Years party anyway..and of course i suppose i won't say no to it.
I have to beat my self!! Because its the predestination of my life! And i have to succeed on this. Otherwise whats the point, right? I have to get rid of my strongest addiction of my life -food!!! Its a battle field. And im loosing.. Yet i don't like when such a thing as loss happening!

Bones

I notice that after two days eating crap (chocolates, chips, absolutely non-healthy sandwiches) and drinking all kinds of soda my bones immediately start cracking!! And i hate it! I feel how all of my joints are twisting and twirling...ahh!! How many times should i realize that eating such a shit is damaging my body and ruin my life.
And i've got purulent pimples all over my face, head and even couple on the back!! This is so disgusting!! I'm really determent right now to start my life over, to lose all the weight, to become healthy, to do sports..i know i have a lot of crapy food still all over my kitchen..but i swear to my self that no matter what i wont take it. Only healthy!!! Thats it!! Of course my hubby and his daughter will eat it and will try to seduce me. But i don't care!!! That's it!!!!!!! Im starting my new life right now!!!

Books

I love so much to hold a book in my hands, especially written in english. Today we took 3 books from library. Im so happy!! I want to read them all!!! I just like to turn over the pages, to smell it..to look through the type.

I hate to sew...its boring.

12.23.12

I don't see any point of walking through the christmas mall and knowing that u wont buy anything coz u have no money.

11.1.12

I'm back and i wanted to make a quick note about my weight. I did't do anything for about a month or so. It was some kind of vacation. And 10.30.12 i started counting my calories again. My weight was 187.8 and today 185.8. And i definitely willing to go on.
And this is me!! Hi everyone.
P.S.: i must go for a walk later. The X factor is first))

Oh i'm so sick!!! Second day im sitting home, skipping my job, which is a nice thing though. And we bought a new car yesterday!! So glad..our new red baby))
I dont want to work anymore, i want to go study, even for a english language courses at James Lyng.
Yesterday i woke up in the middle of the night coz of earthquake!! My first one))my bed was swinging)
My weight was 184.4!! But im not really on counting calories right now..im eatin everything and a lot so i guess its gonna be higher very much soon.

I have a job. I start working in 09.07.12, just one day before my hubby birthday. It's easy job and it's hard by the same time. I'm just doing packaging for deliveries on the David's tea fabric, but because i'm still heavy and i'm standing on my feet around 8-9 hours summary so the kinda sore all time. Also my neck and a little bit of my back...If i wont look for that shortcomings it will be just fine for me. Bit i still hope that i'm gonna  loose my weight, it's already started, so it should be mush easier to stand, and other thing, we don't have a car right now, so i have to use bus, metro and walking to get to my work. And now M want to go to New York to get some money, and we will have our car right away, so its gonna be much much better to handle the whole working thing. From other side, i don't want him to go to NY and leave me here all alone, i already miss him, even if he going on Tuesday, coz now it's some Jewish new year holiday, and he can't start in Monday. I don't know how i'm going to handle this whole week by my own. He won't meet me at a bus stop, wont help me to carry my bags to home, i won't be hanging on his elbow and i won't cry about how am i tired, he won't say some nice words for me, won't massage my back, won't cook food for me, wont count calories for me because i'm too tired to move a finger. How am i going to be all week?? Ok maybe just 4 working days, but fucking still...I love him so much, i cant tell. He is the only one. My sweety. My love. My darling. I love him to death.
Yesterday we invite his old friend Janna for dinner. It was my first time i met her. She is icredible
 nice person, easy and cool. I really liked her. I'm glad i met her. And i guess she liked me back!! Like she said some compliments to me)) I was flattered.
My weight finally fell down to 189 today. I couldn't believe what i saw this morning. I cross this border!! I'm not 193 or 195 anymore. Now i have to move on, just keep going.

It seem to me my stomach doesn't feel right about boiled vegetables. What, do i have some intolerance here? It's drive me crazy!
2 days left before my husband birthday...and we don't have any money...and i like 24/7 with him...and 99% i cant buy anything to him...i cant make a surprise for him...i dont know what to do!
we went to the library today and open a membership for me, took 2 chemistry books, one of them is too complicated...ahhh

i'm here...i moved in Canada. And now i'm enjoying my life)) I love it so much!!!
and we are going for a walk right now.
i lost weight and then i gained it back. so i have to start everything all over again. looser.

A rough path

I didn't write anything a few days...because of my eyes...they hurting me, they dry,with red bursted blood vessels of retina, i can't look into my laptop...almost immidiately i start feeling pain...
I'm still keeping on my diet and burning my cal through pain in a muscles and the pouring rain. Weight in i thursday.I'm scared.
Tomorrow i have to leave my granny and grandpa and head to Moscow to my mom. And i'm so fucking sad right now, i can't even talk, i'm in an awfull mood, i didn't want to leave them alone...i feel like i'm a traitor..coz they don't have anyone else except me, and i'm leaving them..oh God...then i think about it...i already crying...i lost my dad 8 months ago..it felt like knife in my heart..and now their staying alone...and I have to move into Canada..and i wont see them in a long time..and i'm wondering if i ever gona see them again?? Granny already, as she said, ready to go in heaven to my dad (her son)...This whole situation is ripping me in pieces. They don't deserve a granddoughter like me. They are really good people, they were always kind to me, love me, raise me, gave me everything..I'm fucking horrible.

12:00pm eggs (256)
3:10pm borsch with beef and sour cream (429)
4:30pm cottage cheese pancakes (392)
8:05pm cucumber (14), tomato (32)
9:05pm chicken thigh (190), rice (233)
Total Intake 1546
Total Burned 550
I woke up hungry, i was hungry all day long, if i'm not loosing weight then what the hell it means? I'm so curious about my weight..can't wait to see a number..and it's drive me crazy coz i don't now if i losing any lb. 08.16.12 the day of truth))
Miss my hubby, my M..love him so much!!I want to kiss him and hug him, but i shoul wait till 08.18 comes.uuhhhh
I love my granny, but she has a nasty character, she's picked on me all day long, said that i can't beacame a pharmacist, that i'll probably always gona be like a servant, i said it's not easy to move to different country when you're almost 25, from Moscow,Russia to Toronto, Canada and start a new great life right away, said that thirst i'm going to study for a hair stylist, she said that it's anyway servant, i said only then i can mybe get into university for farmacy, after a couple of years, when i'm gona raise my english level up, coz i need to know not only english, but chemistry, biology, math..she said, why? do you now english so bad? Fuck!! And then it turned out that she thinks pharmacy is really bad choise anyway and i shouldn't do it. By her opinion i must be economist or something, sit in quiet office and bla bla bla..I want to be around medical field to help people. I feel it, it's mine, it's interesting. I already quit my economy bachelor, i had 3 years from 4, and i quit, and i didn't regret even for a second!! Never! Honestly!!! All my family said it's such a pity, you have left only one year and then you have a diploma. But i don't fuckin need it, i don't want it. I'm like a cork in economy, i really don't understand it, all i heard when i was in classes and teachers was telling something, was bla bla bla.
And I'm sleepy right now...

10:50am eggs (234cal)

2:00pm borsch with beef and sour cream (412)

5:10pm apricots (52), peaches (114), an orange (67)

7:20pm boiled popato (220), cucumber (11), tomatoe (28)

10:00 pm fish (288), 3 fruit drops (51)

Total Intake 1484

Burned 550

My feet are really hurting me when i'm walking, almost right away when i'm starting and after, when i have already finished. Fucken sneakers. But i don't have another option. I have to endure and keep pushing my self despite all this sore.

Mom said that Muffin didn't eat or drink anything, he lost his weight. he's missing us so much..and we also miss him a fucking lot.

My granny freaked me out when she told me today that i probably shold give most common in different culturals names for my future kids, like Kate, Anna or Alexander, so whenever you live everybody will understands them. No, no and again no. My doughter name will be Mika'ella, for sons Benjamin, Eric, Levy..

Today i've done my walk right after a lunch. My body is feeling amazing after this  now. Only my feet are sore becouse of uncomfortable sneakers.

12:00pm kefir with 3 tea.s. wheat bran (140cal) and piece of ham (120)

3:00pm beef borsch with sour cream (250cal)

4:15pm macaroni (250cal)
7:20pm 2 peaches (140cal)
9:20pm young boiled poptato (238.5cal), soy souce (6.4cal), sour cream(72cal), cucumber (11.7cal), beef cutlets (257,4)
Total income 1486
Burned 550
And i think a might be having a problem here. I drink a lot of water. Like a lot! around 3.5-4 litres per day. It's equal 0.92 - 1.06 gallon. I can't live without water. It comes naturally. Maybe coz i'm a scorpio and it's a water sighn lol.
And now everybody around me, all members of my family, they don't drink like that, they barely drink at all, and the most wonderfull thing, they think it's something wrong with me, like maybe i have some sort of a disease. Which i don't think is true, though. I don't feel any pain or suffer, i'm just fine. And if i dont drink a feel like i'm drying out.I dont know..my parents..they drive me crazy with all that drinking stuff!!!

So i went on a walk wich continued again 1h15m with length 7km. It's should be about 550cal burned. I did it on the empy stomack, skipped my breakfast and had lunch later in an hour and a half from the time it suppoused to be.
So far by now i have
 1:30pm one small banana (100cal)
 2:30pm a soup (400cal). The soup isn't really light, it contained from white rice, potato, beef, tomato, carrot and pickled cucumbers. Granny made it. She always cooks the most delicious soups in the world.
6:00pm two nectarines(90cal), one peach(70cal), 5-6 apricots(60cal)
9:00pm macaroni(230cal), 2 small cutlets(250cal), cucumber (20cal)
Total intake 1220cal
Total Burned 550cal
Eventually, i satisfied with my self. I'm not nervous anymore. I was walking all in sweat and imagening my self how i'm gonna be looking when i'm gonna be thin.

I woke up in the morning all nervous and depressed. And i don't know even why! I always know why i'm not in a good mood. And now i don't. I have no idea.
Yesterday 3 hours before bedtime i ate 2 additional cinnamon baked buns immediatelly after my dinner fish and two peaches. Fuck! Why???I didn't even want to eat anymore. May be that's why i'm angry at my self!! I have to go for a walk now. And I'm fighting with my self coz I'm afraid to go walking coz i probably gona eat more again coz i waste some calories before..my body is like an animal. I have to keep it strictly. Otherwise I'm going to be fat forever which i really don't want to happen.

Today i finaly get my ass off a couch and go for walk. 1h20m and 7,2km(4.5mi)
I was all sweaty by the time i finished it, and my face was all red like tomato.
But I'm glad i did, nice weather outside, and i was listening a music while was walking and it feels now really great. I definetly shoul do this every day.
And today i find a super great song of Miley Surys, though it's probably released in october 2010. The name of the song is "who owns my heart".
She is sooo gorgeous and sexy!!! I'm gona hit the pilates for sure when i'll lose some excess weight first.
P.S.: I haven't been smoking since last tuesday. I have an intention to quit that bad habit.

I've finished this book just now..I've been reading the whole day long. My second book in english. I did like it, even if i had watched the movie before, and not even once. I was almost about to cry a couple times while reading through.

Finally!! A water falls down from the heaven...i mean the rain has stareted a couple minutes ago. I have been waiting for this a few weeks or so. And there is a thunder too. It's so beutifull outside right now. And i'm reading a perfect book meanwhile.

i was in a cemetery yeasterday with granny and grandpa..visiting my dad. We pulled out some weed from the grave and made it look more neat and clean. Why am i not seeing any ghosts? I miss him so fucking much, i can't even tell how strong this hurting feeling is.

Fuck! I've just read my first book in Engligh!! I'm so happy right now!!The first thing i finally finished. I always want to do something, and many things, i must to say, but never finish anything. So, i'm glad i did. This's a big acomplishment for me coz i'm lazy and the english is my second language and i don't even know the grammar comletely. Ofcourse, the book isn't so sothisticated, it's not in classic summer list programm, and i use a dictionary...but i'm thrilled that i made my first step.

I don't know what to write about actually...but i feel like i want to. I'm already at gran's for a couple days now. Internet is really slow. I did what i have to do about documents for selling room in my second day here.  I don't have any friend here. My cousin-sister went to Brazil yesterday..So pretty much here i am: me and my laptop.
I have been reading pregrand and having kids blogs sinse this morning and i have understood that i want to have a lot of kids...3 or 4...i want to have animals...i already have a cat, his name is Muffin and hi's adorable, but i want to have also a dog...lab actually...maybe someone else...a parrot? want to have a house..big house for all members of our big (in the future) family, but my M. don't want to have a house, he prefer more to have a penthause..anyway...i want to cook...i mean to can cook some good appearing stuff..like in a magazines. All that i can cook is looking plain, homely, negligent..not much to look at.
There really is that type of super mommy's that can do almost anything! They raise a babys, love and take care of their husbands, cook delightfull yammy things, knit, sew or have a beautiful garden...
I want to be like that to..
But thirst i have to loose all of my excess weight of mine.
Today was a good day concerning my eating. I ate only when i was really hungry and not so much of a food. I can say today was my thirst day. I hope so. I'm planning to keep up that system to go on for the next 15 days..and then i'll get home and i'll stand on my scales.. i'm wondering if i'm gona see a positive result..i mean minus on my dial?! I tired to cout calories...i tired to suffer..i want just to loose damn weight.

 

In addition i saw a big fat spider today and i didn't faint or pass out..as a matter of fact i took a bunch of a toilet paper in my hands and even try to play with him with it. And i didn't kill him. Even if i scared to death always i totaly agaist killing them.

My love arrived at the plase yesterday night properly. He called me as he reach his mom's house.
It was scary for me to try asleep alone...and i'm so lazy  right now to start pack up my things for my trip to my granny's plase...i downloading true blood series in eng...
M. called me today and said that he's already at his previous work place and boss took him back even he knows it's only for a couple weeks.

My M. left me here alone today and flew away back to (fucking) Israel. For 3 weeks. It's such a long time!!! 20 days off, if to be accurate. I miss him already so much. Hi's in  the plain right now...flying...
Tomorrow i'll have to go to Yaroslavl with intent to finish all stuff with selling a room...
My diet all fucked up..as usual...nothing new here))I've been trying a couple days "to behave" normal and even have done some sports every day...but then again binge..stress..depressed...about being alone from 5 months now that i wasnt alone even for a day..it feels like i dont have hands anymore...or i cant breef..all that romantic loving stuff...real for me...i really love him...my wonderfull husband..my only one in the whole universe)) And again..i'm so frustraiting about his living me...even temporary.
And a question of all my life for my self is : When i'm fucking going to be more disciplined to myelf? I need to control my self every single day for all my life long damned. It's my curse. Everybody has one. We all have our cross to bear.

in 18th of july i got a resident permanent visa to Canada.
We are going there with my honey in 21st of august. yeeey))) We are so glad!! Such a relief))) We'v been waiting so long...11 months..Ofcours it was our mistake there too..
Weight stays on hold..i bought a diary and kept writing all things that i'v eaten for all week and all i'v burn and guess what? there is no profit at all!! i remember when i was loosing weight back then my profit was about 6000 or 7000cal per week (it means you should loose about 1 kg or 2.2 lb per week) wich i either way burn or just eat less then i should of. and now its abot 0 or even minus something. And this is i was even try to keep my diet. No wonder i'm not loosing any weight week by week. I'm not doing a shit.

In June 22 and 23 my weight didn't change..Also i was smoking around 5 to 10 sigaretes per day.
But now i feel like i'm on it. I'm on the way..it's starting..I counted -  i have 27 weeks to loose 27 kg))
I should fucking start right now my whole weight loss thing.
Today i had eaten vermicelli with drop of ketchup about 80g (270cal)
Salad (cucumber, tomato, cottach cheese, 1 tea spoon of oil) around 180g (160cal)
6 eggs with green beans. (450cal)
5 fruit drops (13 per each = 65cal)
total 945cal

weight 192.8
sigaretes 2
My weight didn't change a bit. this is pretty sad.
Actually, the most terrible thing happened today is that that the embassy of canada send to us a letter which contains the information that we suppose to provide the document about our annulment of the 1sr marriage in NY in may 2010. This is a huge problem for us. Now we should take a lawyer and pay him money which we actually don't have right now..and we've got only 60 days to deal with it and to give them a prove back. My head is on fire...

Weight 192.8
Sigaretes 8
today my husband had a day off..at first we were at his mom's friend house in attempt to fix his computer. Then we went to my husband's friends home and he was helping them to fix their furniture and so on, because they just move in a new place. i was just chilling..Then when we got home we met his mom and sister at the freshold and all of us went to walk by neighbourhood streets.

June 19

Weight : 88.5 (195lb)

Sigaretes : 4

Wow, no wonder i get this plus 1.3 kg. I know, it's not fat, but still it's a plus on a scales. And i have it because i chewed yesterday like a lazy cow all day long. And there were a lot of rice. The rice always gives me that stuck and hold inside me feeling.

And also i must to add that :

I FUCKING HATE ISRAEL

I HATE THE HEAT

I HATE THE SUN

I WANT TO HAVE CLOUDY, RAINY AND WINDY WEATHER AROUND ME.

I HATE PEOPLE HERE.

THEY ARE ALL MORONS AND JERKS

i HATE WHEN EVERYBODY FUCKING TELLS ME WHAT SHOULD I DO

GO FUCK YOURSELF OK??

YOU ALL PISS ME OFF

still not having sex

P.S.: if you only try to write " I hate" in google search...

at the first line you gonna have " I hate Israel"

This  tells about something, Does it?